I am out in public and see couples who are in their golden years and my heart aches because I am no longer confident I will get to experience that with Nancy.
When Joseph was visiting we had a great time together. I enjoyed the opportunity to spend a week with him and hear of his life and how he is moving forward toward all his dreams and goals. He was a great help around the house. We took care of a number of projects together. I found myself looking at projects that were important and needed to be taken care of so that if Nancy ended up living in our home alone, life would be easier. The kind of things that were less fun and glamorous yet would eliminate problems down the road.
I went out to dinner the other night. In the booth across the way there were grandparents with their grandchildren. It was loud, it was rowdy…it was fun. It brought a smile to my face. I could not help but wonder if I would ever have the opportunity to take my grandkids to dinner. Would I have an opportunity to love on them, to spoil them to speak words of hope and life into their young lives? (I am in no rush for grandkids…just a note for Joe and Rayann)
I found myself thinking of all that I might miss. Would I ever walk my daughter down the wedding aisle? How about celebrating with Joseph as he graduates college and gets that first job? This may sound odd…but I have been looking forward to our “empty nest” for a while. I love my children dearly…I loved Nancy first. I have been looking forward to our golden years and to the opportunity to experience life again when it is just the two of us.
A few years ago Nancy and I began making plans for mission and ministry in retirement. We started a non-profit and have begun to build it up so that when the time came we would have a vehicle to do the work that is so special to the two of us. I am excited about the potential that exists there. Will I have the opportunity to see it all come to fruition?
There are moments when it gets dark and heavy. I cannot help but wonder what the future holds.
In those moments I am reminded that if I am no longer present God will still be present. God will be present to Nancy, Joseph & Rayann. God will be present to my grandchildren even if I cannot be. Beyond that God will provide people to come alongside them and to support, encourage and speak words of life and hope to them all. Do I hope and pray it will be me supporting, encouraging and speaking those words…absolutely. Does it bring me a sense of peace knowing that they will be cared for…yes.
I am not sure why these past few days have been so hard. I have had fleeting thoughts like this over the past months but they have been fleeting. I am praying that over the next few days it fades away and I return to my normal thoughts regarding living with Cancer.
Monday starts round six of Chemotherapy! I will be halfway through my first treatment by Wednesday. If I can continue through treatment the way I have so far I will consider myself blessed. I have not missed a Sunday yet. I have been able to work each week and continue to help FBC as we week seek to grow and move forward. I have been able to spend time with family and do small projects around the home. All in all, this journey has been good, tough but good.
I know there is much to be thankful for. I need to work harder to remember and focus on those things. I need to remember that even in the darkest moments, especially in the darkest moments, God’s Spirit is present. Christ promises us peace, “peace that passes all understanding”. I pray for that peace in the midst of my journey with Cancer. I pray that peace upon all people struggling with life.
Early Sunday morning I went to the airport to pick up Nancy and Rayann. Standing in baggage claim I was picking up their luggage when they came up behind me. It was great to see my girls again. It was great to hear their stories of their mission to Roatan. As we drove home I felt the heaviness lift and a spirit of joy entered my heart. I am thankful for Nancy. She makes me smile, she lifts my spirits, she helps me walk this journey well.