It is my normal, every three to four-month tests that we run to see if my cancer is behaving or starting to grow again.
Last August Nicole, my PA, shared the results of my latest scans and told me to, “go get a beer.” It was her way of saying everything looked good. Nicole was happy with what she saw, or did not see, and she wanted me to relax and enjoy life.
I have resisted calling the office early and asking for Nicole. Part of me wants to know what the results are. Another piece of me is totally fine not knowing for a few more days.
The Roller Coaster
I cannot explain the feelings and emotions that move within my body and soul as I wait to hear how I am doing. When I went to get my blood drawn on Monday all the nurses were asking, “Dan, how are you doing?” I just laughed and said, “That is why I am here, so you can tell me how I am doing.”
The further I get from my last treatment the better I feel physically. The more energy I have and the clearer my mind thinks. There is much to celebrate. At the same time, there is this haunting idea that while all appears to be good my cancer is slowly growing inside me. I have no reason to think that way, it is just something I wonder about from time to time.
You would think that after two-plus years of this journey I would have grown used to this rollercoaster. That is far from the truth. While I struggle to remember how I moved pre-cancer this new reality has become very familiar.
Friday is a big day.
I am praying Nicole is sending me out for another drink.
Today I was reading from Psalm 131
“I have calmed and quieted myself, I am like a weaned child with it’s mother; like a weaned child I am content.”
Calm, Quiet, Content
Oh, how I long to move through life this way. Calm, Quiet, Content no matter what storms rage around or within me. It is so against my character.
There is so much to do, to accomplish it is hard to remain calm. Injustice seems to surround us. How can one remain calm in the face of injustice?
I have to fight to be quiet. It so much easier to fill my life with noise or activity.
Content? There is always something more to do or accomplish. I fear I will always need just one more thing to be truly content. [As I write this I am struck by the irony; I refused to allow myself to leave the office today until I wrote this post. It had to be completed in order for me to feel content with what was accomplished today.]
Calm, Quiet, Content – my body rages against such things and yet Abba Father continues to call me to “be still and know.” My body fights against such things and yet my spirit longs for the peace that comes from living and moving in such a way. So the fight continues.
I will struggle to live Calm, Quiet and Content over the next few days as I await my test results.
Once the doctor speaks I will seek to live Calm, Quiet and Content no matter what news he shares.