As sat in the waiting room for the nurses to be ready for me my emotions were all over the place. I was the only person in the waiting room so it was quiet and I was alone with my thoughts. This visit was very different than my first visit back on May 6, 2016.
Our first appointment in 2016 was filled with fear, anxiety, and panic – it was anything but peaceful. Did you catch the “our?” I could not have traveled this journey without Nancy, her support has been amazing.
Slowly, very slowly, our times in the waiting room slipped into a routine. They became our normal way of life.
Humbled By My Newest Reality
The last time I was in the office was on July 12, 2019 – forty-two days ago. I have scans scheduled for September 27th followed by a return to the office on October 11th.
Sitting in the office this morning I reflected on my past routine. Monday treatments. The following Friday for bloodwork and to see Dr. Saroha. Some weeks I would be in that office two or three times a week. There was one week I threatened to stop by on Thursday so I could say I had been to the office every day of the week.
Forty-two days without a visit feels like an eternity.
Redemption, Renewal, and Transformation
Last night Nancy and I met with a group of people from the Church of the Advent, in Kennett Square to share our journey of the past three years.
As we gathered it was a blessing to share how God has met us in the darkest moments of life. In the midst of our conversation, I was struck by how amazing it is to see the Spirit of God at work.
I was no longer the person filled with fear and anxiety as we waited in my oncologist’s office back in 2016. God had redeemed my darkest of moments. There had been moments of transformation. I was renewed, renewed more than once as God walked alongside me.
Who knows what tomorrow holds? With each scan, there is the possibility of “difficult news.” News that talks of growing cells and renewed treatment. Should that become my reality I am confident that the One who walked with me through the past three years will remain faithful. Redeeming, renewing, and transforming that which was meant to harm me for good.
A New Normal, A New Me
The rollercoaster ride of the past few years has shaped a new Dan, I like this person much better.
I sometimes shudder to think of where I would be if I had remained healthy.
God used my darkest of days to mature me. I am more intentional. I move slower, by design and not out of necessity.
Moving through each day I find myself aware of those around me in deeper and more caring ways. The time I take for quiet and stillness has become richer and more meaningful.
I have learned how to pray silently, silently in the midst of chaos and anxiety. It is amazing how can learn to tune out the noise of chemo pump, nurses, other patients, your own thoughts and worries to listen for Abba’s voice. Lessons learned in those moments transfer easily to times stuck in traffic jams, crowded shopping malls, conversations where people are anxious and nervous, those pressure-filled days where time seems to fly by.
Blessed Beyond Belief
It is true, I have been blessed beyond belief. No, there is nothing I have done, will do to deserve it. I cannot explain why this has been my experience and others have walked a very different road.
My heart aches for those whose lives have been disrupted by illness, addiction, unemployment, betrayal, heartache, any of those dark experiences which so often dot the journey of life.
I am confident that no matter the road our journey takes us we can/will see God if we have the eyes to see, ears to hear the Spirit working and moving.
Unfortunately, we are most often distracted from the things of God. Distracted by our dreams of what could be or fears of what may happen. We become distracted by the list of projects and tasks that fill our planners and phones. Somehow we have become convinced that a “complete and fulfilling” day depends on completing everything on those lists. We have allowed our lust for the experiences of others to rob us of the joy found in the life God has given us.
Yes, I am blessed.
My cancer-ridden body is blessed.
My cancer-recovering body is blessed.
We are all blessed if only we would have the eyes to see the depth of God’s presence and love for us.
God is Good all the Time…All the Time God is Good.
May the rest of today be filled with wonder and amazement as you are yet again surprised by the gift & grace of God.